Chapter VIII: Palace of Shadows
Though it was daylight when they walked into the “Palace,” the sky above the demonic amusement park was dark crimson. Hollow, honky-tonk piano music floated through the air, and the very distant sounds of screams could be heard tainting the distance. They passed through the turnstile without incident and entered the hellish amusement park. It appeared to be empty besides the sounds of torture and vaudeville music emanating from all directions. “This place brings back Memories,” Grave Digger stated in a wistful tone. “What secret from your past are you trying to bring up now?” asked Baka, annoyed. “I used the work here, along with Steve. Oh, we got in to all sorts of trouble, back in the summer of ’98,” Grave Digger replied, sounding downright nostalgic. The date brought back a distant memory from the back of Jason’s mind, but he couldn’t place where. He didn’t notice a small chuckle coming from inside the Forest Talisman. “If you’re done being all nostalgic, we’ve got another issue.” Baka began. “How exactly are we going to find the talisman in this place?” “I could help you find it, for a price,” said the disembodied voice of Beth, echoing from her gem-encrusted prison around the bulge of Jason’s muscular neck. “Shut up, n00b!” shouted Jason, and he pimp-slapped the necklace. “My 5up3r-l33t tal1sm@n finding skills will help us find the precious.” As he said that, there was a groan of rusted machines moving as a carousel off in the distance fell off its supports and began to roll towards them, leaving a path of destruction in its wake. “Stand back, Brian. I’ll handle this!” Jason shouted and moved into the path of the carousel. He stood firm and prepared to stop it when all of a sudden there was an explosion right by it and it flew off into the distance. He turned to Baka and saw her standing there, arms outstretched. “That was so l337, Brandon!” Jason exclaimed, amazed at Baka’s skills. “I am the physical embodiment of the energies contained in the GEM OF AMAZING POWER,'' ''after all,” she boasted. “I still think I should have gotten that gem; 3I’m more deserving!” Grave Digger said. “It’s stuck in my chest, so it’s not like you’ll get it any time soon,” Baka replied. Oh, won’t I? I will get it, and sooner than you think, thought Grave Digger, but all he gave outwardly was, “As if anybody would want to get anything out of your chest, Byron!” As the group approached what appeared to be the center of the park, a huge demonic looking castle, Jason decided to scan it with his $W4G machine (which was just a figment of his imagination). “This…” Grave Digger began, “Is the Super Screamer-Dreamer-Coaster, ''the Palace of Shadow’s crown jewel. If the talisman’s gonna be anywhere, it’s gonna be in there.” “What is the best way to get inside?” asked Baka. “I find that sweet talking, chocolates, or flowers will usually work, but sometimes you just gotta bust in,” Jason stated, and he kicked down the door leading to the coaster. As Grave Digger chuckled, the group went inside, and were greeted with an ominous sound of an organ, playing what sounded like “It’s Raining Men” by the Weather Girls. “Dis be me JAM!” shouted Jason as he began to dance. '“Welcome, one and all, to the Super Screamer-Dreamer-Coaster! ''I am your host, Stanley the Abominable, and today you are going to go on the (last) ride of your life!” '''came through the speaker system. “Stanley, we’re just here to look around,” Grave Digger shouted into the abyss of the ride, hoping Stanley would understand. Of course Stanley, being a prerecorded voice clip, could not respond. Grave Digger’s voice echoed through the empty halls of the ride, and he noticed that there were many sections. It appeared to be not only one coaster, but an entire castle full of them. One was marked Hell’s Kitchen, another the Tunnel of Lust, and even on named The Dungeon Playground. “Alright, we should check out Hell’s Kitchen… I’m uber-hungry,” said Jason, falling over from hunger. “How long has it been since you’ve eaten?” asked Baka. “You have eaten, right?” Jason thought back to the last time he had eaten. He didn’t have many memories of his mom, even though they’d lived together up until five days ago when he started his adventure, but he did remember her telling him he needed to eat up before he ventured forth. “Need… spaghetti… preferably without… garlic…” said Jason. As soon as they entered Hell’s Kitchen they found a cardboard cutout of Gordon Ramsay holding a bowl of what seemed to be barbed wire covered in blood, with a quote, “Enjoy our spaghetti!” Then, the cutout seemed to come to life, and his eyes locked with Jason’s as it yelled, “''YOU ARE THE WORST CHEF I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! IF I WAS LIKE YOU, I WOULD KILL MYSELF RIGHT NOW YOU PIECE OF S**T!” And then, Jason had a rush of memories, as he recalled that his cooking that fateful morning had killed his parents. He remembered it, but as a dream. It was very fuzzy… what exactly had happened? “Hold on there, Mr. Cutout A**hole!” Baka interjected. “I’ve known Jason for five days and he can cook great. I think!” “Yeah!” Jason interjected, deciding to put his dark past behind him. “Every time I post pictures of my ramen on MySpace I get at least two or two point five comments telling me that it looks ‘semi-edible,’ flagg0t!” “ARE YOU TALKING BACK TO ME IN MY KITCHEN?!” ''Ramsay screamed as his eyes turned blood-red and he began to shake uncontrollably. He grew several feet, fleshed out, and turned red all over. “''NO ONE TALKS BACK TO ME IN MY SWAMP, BOY-O. YOU WILL NOW PAY THE PRICE!” s''houted the Kitchen Ogrelord Grek. “It’s Grek!” shouted Grave Digger, “The evil ogre chef! He helps run this roller coaster!” Grek held up a knife in one hand an an onion in the other, saying, “''THE FIRST STEP IN THIS ENTREÉ OF PAIN IS TO CUT AN ONION INTO THIN LAYERS,” ''and as he cut the onion, there was a great wave of gas that hit the trio, causing Baka and Jason to fall over in agony as the horrible stench hit them. “No!” Baka shouted as she tried to blast him with tear gas. “''YOUR EFFORTS ARE IN VAIN. I HAVE BEEN AROUND ONIONS MY ENTIRE LIFE; MY EYES HAVE ALREADY BEEN BURNT BY THE FUMES!” '' Jason was able to recover fast, and he swiftly brought Grave Digger up and cut the evil ogre open. “Take dat, n00b!” he shouted as he then proceeded to the Italian are of food. He began to make spaghetti for himself, using his $W4G to change the barb wire and blood into fresh pasta and tomatoes. Baka then channeled the power of the GEM OF AMAZING POWER and shot the most powerful blast of teargas into the eyes of the ogrelord, causing him to stumble and face plant directly into a bowl of barbed wire and blood. Meanwhile, Jason was humming a merry little tune as he paced the noodles into a pot of boiling water, completely ignoring the beatdown Baka was putting on Grek. “Aw, that guy made a ''mean curry,” Grave Digger said wistfully. “Say Jason, why are you cooking instead of getting to the talisman?” “Bradley over there sees to be handling it rather well. And plus a playa got to eat, homes. $W4G don’t come cheap,” Jason replied, continuing to pile food on his plate and ignoring that some of it didn’t look natural or even of this world. “It’s just… well, Jason… this is the Palace of Shadows, ''the Theme Park of the Dead. Not that I’m too invested in your personal safety or anything, but there’s a high probability that eating that will kill you. A lot.” As he said that, Baka was thrown into the two of them and knocked Jason’s plate onto the floor where it shattered and scattered the food. Jason’s expression was one of pure heartbreak and then uncontrollable anger as he turned to Grek. Grek could not even scream as Jason was upon him with a fury seen only in the deepest fires of Hell. He slashed and hacked, trimmed and cut, until all that remained of Grek was a steaming pile of raw meat. He then turned and lad the meat cuts on the grill nearby and seared them until cooked to perfection. “Just like my Great Grand Auntcle used to make,” Jason whispered to himself, smelling the filet. “Except we used cows, not this #1@m3 crap.” He took one bite and then doubled over, crying. Baka rushed over and realized that he was crying out of pure joy. “It’s so tasty!” he moaned. “Oh no…” Beth said from inside the amulet. The food is so ''amazingly scrumptious that Jason has lost the will to go on!” Weeping, Jason said, “Nothing in life can ever be this good again, so what’s the point in living?” “I know how to clear his head!” Baka exclaimed and then passionately kissed Jason, hoping that true love would save him. She pulled away and his eyes seemed to clear. Then he pimp-slapped her across the room. “Oh, are you freaking kidding me?!” he shouted, jumping up and running to the sink. He flushed his mouth out for a few minutes. “Oh man, your breath smelled like old pumpkins!” “But my love! It saved you, Jason!” Baka said, excited. “As if, Benjamin! I was just so surprised that you stuck your tongue in my mouth and filled it with the taste of rotting harvest vegetable that I forgot about the beautiful taste of the meat!” Jason replied. “Oh,” Baka replied, awkwardly kicking at the ground as silence fell between them. “I mean, don’t get me wrong Bart, I like you and all, and now that you’ve got that new body and powers you’re pretty $W4G, but I can’t let a girl get in between me and my quest for the power of Nessie!” “So maybe, when this is all over…” she said, her voice trailing off. “I can’t say for sure. I don’t know if we will even make it Baka, but if we do-“ Jason started, but was interrupted before he could finish by the sound of someone bashing in the door at the back of the kitchen. In rolled a seating compartment for Hell’s Kitchen, ''because it was also a roller coaster. The seats were raised up. '“Please keep all hands and feet inside the ride at all times, unless they are severed,” 'came the voice of Stanley the Abominable. “Jason, I don’t think we should get in that,” Baka said, trying to be the voice of reason. Jason, however, had already jumped in and buckled up. “Come on Brendon!” he shouted. As soon as everyone had piled into the car it lurched backwards, shooting them into a room filled with poison gas. “Now,” said a voice that was unrecognized, “let the fun begin.” Because of Baka’s GEM OF AMAZING POWER, she was not affected by the gas, but Jason passed out almost immediately. She grabbed him and jumped out of the tearing compartment. She landed in a puddle of something that did not feel like water. “I really hope this isn’t what I think it is,” Baka muttered as she dragged Jason out of the puddle. Of course, it ''was sulfuric acid, and as she looked down she saw that Jason’s hand was almost completely eaten off! To make matters worse, this was his prized pimp-slapping hand (actually, she was a little relieved about that part). Just before his hand melted off completely, she managed to drag him out of the acid and onto an island she had found in the gloom. However, she continued to see his hand melting off, and other visions caused by the gas in the murky darkness. She immediately began applying water from a flask in her jacket pocket to stop the acid from spreading any further. However, where she touched Jason’s skin, it gave way and spiders crawled out of the holes in his arm. His eyes flew open and out of them slithered twin vipers, and this continued until his body seemed an empty sack where once there had been life. Baka fell backwards onto her rump, horrified at the nightmare she had witnessed, when, as if from all around her, she heard a voice. “…ka….ak…p.” She remembered that sound, somehow. It was the sound of wood sizzling and burning, the sap popping as it was exposed to intense heat. A fire appeared around her, and she was in the midst of a great inferno. Is this… she thought, the Great Fire of Canada in 98?! “Baka… ake up… wake… wake up… Baka, wake up!” came the voice of Jason. Je was sitting on the island, his jacket over his face, his hand intact. Baka had been hallucinating. “Are you alright?” he asked as she returned to the world of reality, and Baka realized something. He had called her Baka. “You… you called me Baka. You know my name,” she managed to croak out. “Of course I do, Bob! You’re my $W4Gfriend. You were having a nightmare, I’m guessing.” “Well, we are in the Palace of Shadows,” Grave Digger said. “After we jumped out of that totally uncool coaster,” Jason continued, “we landed down in a pool. I was l33t enough to pull my clothes over my nose and block the fumes, but you passed out almost instantly.” Baka tried to sit up and then immediately sat back down and grasped her head as a splitting headache came on. “Woah there, sp33d racer. Slow down. You need some time to recover after an episode like that. I’ll use my totally veiny, $W4Galigious biceps to carry you out of this!” Jason said, picking up Baka in his veiny, muscular arms and searching for an exit. You could almost feel Grave Digger rolling his non-existant eyes. Only, where was Grave Digger? Jason remembered him being in the kitchen, but had he come with them? He decided that it didn’t matter right then and continued to search for a way out of the gloomy undercarriage of the hellish ride. Meanwhile, at the top of the Super Screamer-Dreamer Coaster, Grave Digger was being placed down in a small chair by one of the park’s attendants. He was faced towards a woman turned around in her chair. “Well Phoebe,” he said solemnly. “You’ve certainly changed.” She giggled and did a twirl for him, her black cloak trailing behind her. Her body wasn’t slim, but in a healthy full sort of way. Her hair was a brilliant auburn and her eyes a shocking emerald green. She was no longer a shy, unattractive witch. She was now a beautiful, enchanting, full fledged sorceress. “Aw, how sweet of you to notice!” she exclaimed joyously, and then gave a girlish giggle. Then she became quite serious, and said, “Now, onto why I had you brought up here…” “I know why you brought me here; you obviously couldn’t deal with the fact that you turned me into a skeleton. Now you’ve brought me here to return me to my mortal state,” Grave Digger replied confidently. She began to laugh uncontrollably, rolling in her chair. “Oh… oh my… you haven’t changed at all! And I mean look at you; you’re just a sword! You’re so trusting… but no, that’s not why I have you here. I couldn’t care less about getting you back to normal anymore. You should be able to put the dots together. You’re the only enchanted skeleton to ever be created by a spell that contains the soul of a human, Silas.” “I haven’t been called Silas since the accident,” Grave Digger said with sincere sadness in his voice. “My own parents refused to acknowledge me as their son and all the others shunned me. Even you, Phoebe.” “Oh, don’t be so dramatic, Silas,” Phoebe started. “It wasn’t like we were going out of our way to make your life awful. “So you plan to use me to figure out how to create more skeletons like me? And then what, become famous in the sorcering world? I hate to break it to you, Pheebs, but my days of being a skeleton are almost over. You see, I’ve found the GEM OF AMAZING POWER.” Grave Digger responded. Phoebe’s eyes widened. “The GEM OF AMAZING POWER?” she asked. “What exactly is it, and why do you think it will change you back into a human?” “Well it transformed a companion of mine into a human-sized pixie and gave her AMAZING POWERs. It’s easily the most magical object I’ve seen in a while; any sorcerer would be lucky to get their hands on it,” he replied. “I think I’d like to get my hands on such a gem,” Phoebe said. Tell me, where is it? I’ll give you this,” she said, pulling out a talisman from around ehr neck for a moment, “''If'' you tell me.” Grave Digger’s eyes sockets widened when he saw the talisman. It was a crystal darker than the darkest night hung on a cord that was embellished with what appeared to be the teeth of wild animals. “Where did you get that?” he asked, trying to control his emotions. “I always got what I wanted, you know. That hasn’t changed since we were in Sorcery 101 together,” she responded. Grave Digger thought on the talisman for a moment. Unknowingly, he had become invested in Jason’s quest, and wanted him to succeed. Even after he had tried to grope the young man, Jason had still taken pity on him and taken him along for the quest. If it wasn’t for Jason, he would have never found the GEM OF AMAZING POWER. And (even though he rued to admit it) Baka had been kind to him when nobody else had, though in the back of his ind he still knew what he would have to do. “You’ve changed, Phoebe,” he finally said. “You’re not who my friend once was.” “I haven’t changed at all,” Phoebe retorted. “You’re the one who’s changed, and I’m not just saying that because you’re a sword.” “Jus you wait. You’ll get your GEM…” he continued. “Oh, they’ll be up here in time. They always manage to pull through, even when it seems impossible.” “I doubt they’ll get out of-“ she started, but she was cut off by the sound of Jason bursting through the wall, Baka still in his arms. “Grave Digger!” Jason shouted. “Do you have any idea what I had to do to get up here?! I had to get out of that trippy swamp, ride the Tunnel of Lust, and climb like two and a half flights of stairs all while carrying Barry here, and she’s not exactly light! Baka instinctively punched him in the gut. “I’m not fat!” she exclaimed as Jason unceremoniously dropped her from his arms. “Who’s that smoking babe over there with the necklace” Jason asked. He glanced over Phoebe’s physique, winked, and growled at her. Then he noticed the talisman and his face regained its determination. It was easy for him to tell that she was a 9.5 or 10, and decided to approach her, thinking his über swag was enough to swoon the sorceress. “''This'' is who you were talking about, Silas?” she asked, laughing. “You always did have a tendency to over-exaggerate.” “Lady, I don’t know who Silas is, but my name is Jason. Maybe you’ve heard of my utmost $W4G. Now, I’m here to get that talisman and I’ll do whatever I have to get it. Hey, Baka, are you okay now?” As Baka stood up, Phoebe’s eyes fell on her, widened, and then a large blush came over her. “Why are you staring at me?” Baka asked, very confused.” “It’s just, you’re such a pretty young girl, and, well I…” Phoebe started then trailed off, blueing an even brighter shade of red. “I don’t follow,” Baka replied, still completely oblivious. “I’ll explain it, Buck!” Jason said. “Clearly she likes women, which is why I can’t use my #swag to charm her. We’ll have to lay the hurt down and take the talisman by force. Now give me my sword back!” “No!” shouted Grave Digger. “I’ll take her on my own.” But seeing as Grave Digger was only a sword he just kind of fell off the stool Phoebe had set him on. “If you wan’t to challenge me, boy, then do it honorably,” she said, twirling her hair playfully between her fingers. “And when this is done…” she said, looking over to Baka and turning beet red again. “We’ll… get to know each other a little better.” “I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean, but when this is over Bruno, G-Daddy, and I are gonna take that talisman and get outta here. Now Braxton, use your powers while I attack her with my armed swoldiers!” Jason shouted. “Armed swoldiers?!” Baka asked. “What the heck is that?!” “Enough talk,” Phoebe said, shutting a stream of sulfuric acid of Jason. The beam was subsequently blocked by a constant burst of fire from Baka, as Jason prepared to attack. “Get ready for my penultimate technique!” Jason shouted as he leapt into the air. “''SUPER GIGA-DELUCE MEGA CHOCOLATEY-COVERED DIVINE PIMP SLAP MARK I!” and he spun around, unleashing all of his pimp-slapping efforts into one desperate attack. It struck Phoebe right in the face. She didn’t move an inch. “If you want to beat me,” Phoebe said as she grabbed the talisman from around her neck, “You’re going to have to try harder than that.” And she released the power of the Shadow Talisman. The surrounding area was engulfed in a monstrous cold. Red lightning began to strike the ground around Jason as Phoebe laughed maniacally. Jason did not move. He was far too stunned by the fact that his ultimate technique he had just revealed for the first time didn’t even make her move. He paused, looking at the floor. “''That… that couldn’t have just happened!” ''he thought. “Jason!” Baka shouted out, bringing him back into reality. “You have to use my magic during your technique. Fuse it with your ''slap!” “How are we supposed to do that?” said Jason, crying because he had failed so miserably. “Um, we could kiss?” she suggested. “Terrible idea,” he replied, his composure instantly regained. “We need another plan.” “It’s… the only way…” said Baka, blushing. Just as she finished, Phoebe picked up Baka with some sort of supernatural force and threw her across the room. “No time for this lovey-dovey crap with him,” she snarked. She was, in fact, terribly jealous of Jason and his #$w@g. Jason stopped crying and stood up. Phoebe was still turning around as his pimp hand crashed into the side of her face. The slap did not do as much damage as it was intended, for Jason was weirdly worried about Baka. However, it was enough to knock Phoebe off balance and allowed Jason to slip past and get to Baka. He took her up in his arms and looked passionately into her eyes. “Okay, let’s wreck this n00b,” he said, and affectionately kissed her. In a flash of light, Baka’s energy fused itself into Jason’s hand, making it glow a shade of turquoise. “''With the power of the GEM OF AMAZING POWER, the two talismans, and Jason’s natural slapping ability, even Phoebe will have her hands full,” thought Grave Digger, vomiting internally. With a passion of the fiery sun, Jason pimp slapped Phoebe mightily, knocking the talisman away from her, and directly into Grave Digger. As it flew at Grave Digger, it fused into him. He gained its power and became a living embodiment of the Shadow Talisman itself! His skull, where once his cross guard had been, now levitated in the air as his bones formed over him. Held together now by the tendrils of Shadow Power, they once again fused and the shadows formed a cocoon around him. While Phoebe was still stunned as to what she just witnessed, Jason unleaded his next $W@G form: Fleetwood MacDADDY. Jason unleashed the true power of the talismans, letting the powers of Nessie flow through into him and feeling himself turn into a new phase: Tyrannosaurus Flexed. Adter all was said and done, he had grown nearly a foot and was a Wide Arm Thunder Compound of $W4G. Then, finally, to complete the transformation, the ''third talisman activated, allowing Fleetwood MacDADDY, Tyrannosaurus Flexed, and Backracked Obama, three of the Spirits of Swag to fill Jason’s body with the power of Nessie. As the power of Nessie and the Spirits of Swag filled him, he pimp slapped Phoebe so hard that even the heavens above shook. So hard was this slap that it opened a hole in the fabric between time and space, and the suction be can to suck in Jason, Baka, and the shadowy cocoon that was Grave Digger. As they were enveloped by the swirling vortex, Jason grabbed Baka’s hand, determined not to lose her again. Category:Chapters